Dylan's fantasy football preview

Everyone else has a fantasy football preview! Why shouldn't I? I want in on this gravy train! Wait ... I won't make any money off this because I have no sports credentials? Neither do half the employees of ESPN!

On with the preview anyway! Here are my tips on becoming a successful fantasy football owner (maybe someday they'll even work for me).

Get the first overall pick
This is just a no-brainer, really. Assuming your league does the standard snake style draft, whoever has the first overall pick starts with a huge advantage (my league switched over to an auction style draft a couple years ago and now I've developed a love/hate relationship with it).

I don't care how you do it, just make sure you've got that first pick. Intentionally tank the season before (and repeat every year to keep getting the number one pick), hack into the system, sleep with the commissioner, or just become commissioner yourself through any means necessary (elimination of rivals, forming key alliances, starting your own league, etc.). That reminds me...I became commissioner of my league this year. Hmmm....

Stay away from New England TEs...
Remember last year when people went crazy over the Pats' twin TEs, Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski? Yeah...not so much this year.

Gronk is a year or two away from leaving the NFL to live his dream of being that guy who still lives at the fraternity despite graduating/failing to graduate five years ago. Plus, he's got his own personal ambulance now to take him everywhere he goes just in case he hurts himself again.

As for Hernandez, I haven't really been paying much attention to the news lately, but I hear some troubling things about this kid. I'd say wait until next year when the controversy is over. Now can anyone fill me in on what he did? I've been out of the loop.

...but load up on as many other Patriots as possible!
Tom Brady is called the "Golden Boy" for a reason. As much as I hate the comparisons to Joe Montana, he's a surefire Hall of Fame quarterback, and has a tendency to turn the players around him into pure gold. The only reason Wes Welker will remain relevant is because now Peyton Manning is throwing to him. Do you honestly think anyone would remotely know who Danny Woodhead is without Brady? He even made Brandon Lloyd look competent for one season!

So even if you can't grab Brady himself, grab any and all other Patriots you can find! Say hello to Kenbrell Thompkins and Zach Sudfield!

Never use your second pick on D/ST
Again, if you're doing the snake draft, this is very important. I made the mistake of drafting the Chicago Bears D/ST in 2008 with my second pick. By the end of the season they weren't even on my team anymore. They were an unstoppable fantasy juggernaut the year before! How was I to know they'd fall apart so quickly? Thanks for the advice, Woody Paige...

If you're going to draft a mobile QB, draft another one who forgets that he even has legs to run with
Seriously, mobile quarterbacks are the unluckiest sonnuvabitches in the NFL. If they aren't dealing with injuries, they are inevitably just sucking at times. How many of you have drafted Cam Newton the last two years only to bench him every time he earns 25+ fantasy points and start him the weeks where he gets about 8 points? And don't get me started on Michael Vick!

If you're going to take a highly regarded mobile QB, you'll need a reliable pocket passer to compliment him. It's just smart. As highly regarded as Newton, Russell Wilson, Colin Kaepernick, and RGIII are right now, don't draft them without at least getting a Tony Romo or Eli Manning; if not something better.

I'm planning on naming my first born son after Kaepernick if he can lead my team back to the Super Bowl, but I'm not relying on him to be my starting fantasy QB.

Never trust a Charger
I dare you to name more than one receiver on that team. Plus, they have Ryan Matthews. Ryan...Matthews. And remember when Phillip Rivers was actually a good QB?

Avoid Jamaal Charles and Darren McFadden
I realize I'm being a Negative Nancy with most of these tips so far, but trust me on this one. I've been burned twice now by Charles' injury tendencies and my father can tell you how aggravating owning McFadden can be. Make sure you've already got two running backs with functioning legs and feet before taking a risk on these two.

Put your faith in God...
...and draft Tim Tebow. Because with Tebow on your team, God will definitely be on your side. All your players will magically score 20+ points every week. Provided none of your opponents are sacrificing goats to Cthulhu as a means to win, you'll have a huge advantage.

Check for free agents every week
This is a little post-draft tip. How come all these previews always neglect to look past the draft? That's when the most important stuff really happens. Check those free agents and waiver wires in your league regularly. You'll never know when you'll find a goal line RB who consistently steals touchdowns from one of your opponent's regular starters (thank you, Mike Tolbert and LenDale White!). Or a surprising D/ST that no one thought to draft. Or an injury replacement guy who turns heads (Ben Tate made my year in 2011 when I signed him, but when I drafted him in 2012 he burned me badly. Well, actually Arian Foster did by staying healthy).

Have a little fun with it
Whether your last pick or two are entirely inconsequential following your terrific early draft picks, or you already figure to have no shot at your league's title to begin with, feel free to have a little fun with your draft.

Draft players based upon silly names: Woodhead, Gronkowski, Gostkowski, Gradkowski, Lebowski, Barkevious Mingo (you'll just have to draft the entire Cleveland D/ST). Gosh, I miss Chad Ochocinco...

Draft a team of some of the shortest players and rename your team the "Shortstuffs" or "Coming up Short" or something like that: Drew Brees (6'0"), Russell Wilson (5'11"), DeSean Jackson (5'10"), Doug Martin (5'9"), Wes Welker (5'9"), Steve Smith (5'9"), Ray Rice (5'8"), Dexter McCluster (5'8"... on second thought, fuck McCluster! He screwed me in the past!), Maurice Jones-Drew (5'7"), Darren Sproles (5'6"), Jacquizz Rodgers (5'6").

Or show your opponents that you have as much respect for them as you do for the law by drafting a team like this: Aaron Hernandez, Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress, Adam "Pacman" Jones, O.J. Simpson, the 2005 Minnesota Vikings, every Bengals team from 2006-2011, and Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam.

Follow these tips, and I guarantee* success in your fantasy football league.



*Guarantee may not apply in some states. Or any state. Or any country.