- Dead men used to tell no tales, but thanks to modern forensic science they really reveal all sorts of things.
- You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but nobody wants flies to begin with. They're pests! And it's a waste of honey.
- Why is it called the foul line or foul pole? If the ball hits it, it is ruled fair. It should be the fair line/fair pole.
- How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?
- Though really, who actually licks a Tootsie pop? You suck on it. Totally different.
- The reason evil geniuses always reveal their plans just before they (attempt to) execute the hero is because they are suffering from severe loneliness and struggling through abandonment issues. They just want someone to talk to. They have very few people to relate to so normal social interaction is hard; that's why they resort to world domination.
- Do the Kardashians actually do anything? And I mean anything. At least Honey Boo Boo attends children beauty pageants.
- If someone is "honest as the day is long" does that mean their honesty fluctuates with the seasons and the shortening/lengthening of daylight?
- Do the people of Weed, CA realize how hilarious their town name is?
- Or how about people living in Yolo County?
- Guns don't kill people, but people with guns do so at a very alarming rate.
- Squirrels are just effeminate rats (credit goes to Tom on that one. "Who is Tom?" you might ask. Never mind that right now).
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
More of Dylan's deep thoughts
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
The power of the ring
Sorry, Giants fans. This disappointing season is all on me.
Back in April when I had to attend my grandfather's memorial, I also received a gift from my father. It was an authentic replica of the 2012 World Series ring handed out to all the players, coaches, and upper management following that miraculous playoff run.
I loved it! I couldn't get enough of it! And not just because for one moment in my dull life I felt like a champion. I had my own (fake) bling!
It was also because that replica ring was a lucky ring.
Let me set the scene for you. It's April 29th. I'm sitting at my father's place, watching the Giants with him - as we do. Giants are locked up in a tight one with Arizona: 4-4 going into the 8th inning.
Now, I'm not a superstitious man. But when it comes to baseball, I'm a little-stitious (sorry, I know. Bad joke). I've had lucky objects before associated with the Giants: pukka shells, orange and black necklaces, rubber chicken, my pin hat (still wear that one to every game I attend). During the 2010 playoffs, I had a whole checklist I had to keep. I had my pregame playlist - a set of songs to amp myself up - and my outfit consisting of a Tim Lincecum wig and Brian Wilson-ish fake beard.
Feeling like we needed a little extra something to win this game, I run to my room and grab the World Series ring. Placing it upon my pinkie (it was just a bit too small for my ring finger and too big for my pinkie, so I had to make do) I wished the Giants would win this game.
Sure enough, Brandon Belt hits a soft dribbler up the middle scoring two runs, which the bullpen would preserve to win the game.
The next night, we have a similar story. Same two teams playing while dear old dad and myself watch on. Giants are losing 1-0 in the 9th when I go and get the ring again. Pablo Sandoval steps up to the plate with a man on, and unleashes a monstrous home run to win the game for the Giants. After that, my father kissed the ring on my finger.
We go to the next night now. Same story - Giants are losing by two runs in the 8th. I'm starting to sense a pattern by this point, so I grab the ring. Belt does it again, blasting a 3-run home run to take the lead. Dad kissed the ring again. They would add on two additional runs in the 9th and win 9-6.
I've realized by now that I am in possession of a lucky ring. In awe of its magical powers, I took it with me to the game on May 3rd against our arch rivals: the Los Angeles Dodgers. Hiding it in my pocket until the opportune moment (and to prevent thieving Dodger fans or jealous Giant fans from stealing it).
My friends accompanying me doubted my stories of the lucky ring, laughing right in my face. Nobody in the whole stadium, Giant and Dodger fans alike, were laughing by the 9th inning. It had been an excruciating game for both teams and firmly fixed at a 1-1 tie. But leading off the 9th for the Giants was last year's MVP, Buster Posey. With my lucky ring affixed to my pinkie, Buster sent the first pitch he saw from Ronald Belisario over the left field wall to win the game for the Giants.
It was no longer just my dad kissing the ring.
All in all, the Giants were 6-0 during my first week with the ring.
Sadly, after the memorial and after I returned home to Washington, my mind focused on other things. I started taking the ring out less and less, somewhat forgetting about it. And in turn, the Giants started losing more and more games. The ring no longer seemed important in the wake of the team's collapse.
With our official elimination from playoff contention this month, I realize that it is all my fault. I stopped wearing the ring, and as a result the Giants faltered.
My bad.
So I'm writing this to apologize to my fellow fans. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. I got distracted by life, and then dismayed by the team's fall from grace. I realize now I could have done something to reverse this. I realize that I was given a heavy burden, one that I alone must carry. With great power comes great responsibility, and I couldn't handle that responsibility.
Which is why I make this pledge to you: next season I'm wearing that ring. Every time the Giants need a big inning or a clutch hit, I'm slipping that ring on my finger. And I can guarantee that next season will not end like this one. The future of our team rests with me and my lucky fake World Series ring.
Next year will be different. I promise.
Back in April when I had to attend my grandfather's memorial, I also received a gift from my father. It was an authentic replica of the 2012 World Series ring handed out to all the players, coaches, and upper management following that miraculous playoff run.
 |
| My precious! |
It was also because that replica ring was a lucky ring.
Let me set the scene for you. It's April 29th. I'm sitting at my father's place, watching the Giants with him - as we do. Giants are locked up in a tight one with Arizona: 4-4 going into the 8th inning.
Now, I'm not a superstitious man. But when it comes to baseball, I'm a little-stitious (sorry, I know. Bad joke). I've had lucky objects before associated with the Giants: pukka shells, orange and black necklaces, rubber chicken, my pin hat (still wear that one to every game I attend). During the 2010 playoffs, I had a whole checklist I had to keep. I had my pregame playlist - a set of songs to amp myself up - and my outfit consisting of a Tim Lincecum wig and Brian Wilson-ish fake beard.
 |
| Sexy! |
Sure enough, Brandon Belt hits a soft dribbler up the middle scoring two runs, which the bullpen would preserve to win the game.
The next night, we have a similar story. Same two teams playing while dear old dad and myself watch on. Giants are losing 1-0 in the 9th when I go and get the ring again. Pablo Sandoval steps up to the plate with a man on, and unleashes a monstrous home run to win the game for the Giants. After that, my father kissed the ring on my finger.
We go to the next night now. Same story - Giants are losing by two runs in the 8th. I'm starting to sense a pattern by this point, so I grab the ring. Belt does it again, blasting a 3-run home run to take the lead. Dad kissed the ring again. They would add on two additional runs in the 9th and win 9-6.
I've realized by now that I am in possession of a lucky ring. In awe of its magical powers, I took it with me to the game on May 3rd against our arch rivals: the Los Angeles Dodgers. Hiding it in my pocket until the opportune moment (and to prevent thieving Dodger fans or jealous Giant fans from stealing it).
My friends accompanying me doubted my stories of the lucky ring, laughing right in my face. Nobody in the whole stadium, Giant and Dodger fans alike, were laughing by the 9th inning. It had been an excruciating game for both teams and firmly fixed at a 1-1 tie. But leading off the 9th for the Giants was last year's MVP, Buster Posey. With my lucky ring affixed to my pinkie, Buster sent the first pitch he saw from Ronald Belisario over the left field wall to win the game for the Giants.
It was no longer just my dad kissing the ring.
All in all, the Giants were 6-0 during my first week with the ring.
Sadly, after the memorial and after I returned home to Washington, my mind focused on other things. I started taking the ring out less and less, somewhat forgetting about it. And in turn, the Giants started losing more and more games. The ring no longer seemed important in the wake of the team's collapse.
With our official elimination from playoff contention this month, I realize that it is all my fault. I stopped wearing the ring, and as a result the Giants faltered.
My bad.
So I'm writing this to apologize to my fellow fans. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. I got distracted by life, and then dismayed by the team's fall from grace. I realize now I could have done something to reverse this. I realize that I was given a heavy burden, one that I alone must carry. With great power comes great responsibility, and I couldn't handle that responsibility.
Which is why I make this pledge to you: next season I'm wearing that ring. Every time the Giants need a big inning or a clutch hit, I'm slipping that ring on my finger. And I can guarantee that next season will not end like this one. The future of our team rests with me and my lucky fake World Series ring.
Next year will be different. I promise.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Dylan's fantasy football preview
Everyone else has a fantasy football preview! Why shouldn't I? I want in on this gravy train! Wait ... I won't make any money off this because I have no sports credentials? Neither do half the employees of ESPN!
On with the preview anyway! Here are my tips on becoming a successful fantasy football owner (maybe someday they'll even work for me).
Get the first overall pick
This is just a no-brainer, really. Assuming your league does the standard snake style draft, whoever has the first overall pick starts with a huge advantage (my league switched over to an auction style draft a couple years ago and now I've developed a love/hate relationship with it).
I don't care how you do it, just make sure you've got that first pick. Intentionally tank the season before (and repeat every year to keep getting the number one pick), hack into the system, sleep with the commissioner, or just become commissioner yourself through any means necessary (elimination of rivals, forming key alliances, starting your own league, etc.). That reminds me...I became commissioner of my league this year. Hmmm....
Stay away from New England TEs...
Remember last year when people went crazy over the Pats' twin TEs, Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski? Yeah...not so much this year.
Gronk is a year or two away from leaving the NFL to live his dream of being that guy who still lives at the fraternity despite graduating/failing to graduate five years ago. Plus, he's got his own personal ambulance now to take him everywhere he goes just in case he hurts himself again.
As for Hernandez, I haven't really been paying much attention to the news lately, but I hear some troubling things about this kid. I'd say wait until next year when the controversy is over. Now can anyone fill me in on what he did? I've been out of the loop.
...but load up on as many other Patriots as possible!
Tom Brady is called the "Golden Boy" for a reason. As much as I hate the comparisons to Joe Montana, he's a surefire Hall of Fame quarterback, and has a tendency to turn the players around him into pure gold. The only reason Wes Welker will remain relevant is because now Peyton Manning is throwing to him. Do you honestly think anyone would remotely know who Danny Woodhead is without Brady? He even made Brandon Lloyd look competent for one season!
So even if you can't grab Brady himself, grab any and all other Patriots you can find! Say hello to Kenbrell Thompkins and Zach Sudfield!
Never use your second pick on D/ST
Again, if you're doing the snake draft, this is very important. I made the mistake of drafting the Chicago Bears D/ST in 2008 with my second pick. By the end of the season they weren't even on my team anymore. They were an unstoppable fantasy juggernaut the year before! How was I to know they'd fall apart so quickly? Thanks for the advice, Woody Paige...
If you're going to draft a mobile QB, draft another one who forgets that he even has legs to run with
Seriously, mobile quarterbacks are the unluckiest sonnuvabitches in the NFL. If they aren't dealing with injuries, they are inevitably just sucking at times. How many of you have drafted Cam Newton the last two years only to bench him every time he earns 25+ fantasy points and start him the weeks where he gets about 8 points? And don't get me started on Michael Vick!
If you're going to take a highly regarded mobile QB, you'll need a reliable pocket passer to compliment him. It's just smart. As highly regarded as Newton, Russell Wilson, Colin Kaepernick, and RGIII are right now, don't draft them without at least getting a Tony Romo or Eli Manning; if not something better.
I'm planning on naming my first born son after Kaepernick if he can lead my team back to the Super Bowl, but I'm not relying on him to be my starting fantasy QB.
Never trust a Charger
I dare you to name more than one receiver on that team. Plus, they have Ryan Matthews. Ryan...Matthews. And remember when Phillip Rivers was actually a good QB?
Avoid Jamaal Charles and Darren McFadden
I realize I'm being a Negative Nancy with most of these tips so far, but trust me on this one. I've been burned twice now by Charles' injury tendencies and my father can tell you how aggravating owning McFadden can be. Make sure you've already got two running backs with functioning legs and feet before taking a risk on these two.
Put your faith in God...
...and draft Tim Tebow. Because with Tebow on your team, God will definitely be on your side. All your players will magically score 20+ points every week. Provided none of your opponents are sacrificing goats to Cthulhu as a means to win, you'll have a huge advantage.
Check for free agents every week
This is a little post-draft tip. How come all these previews always neglect to look past the draft? That's when the most important stuff really happens. Check those free agents and waiver wires in your league regularly. You'll never know when you'll find a goal line RB who consistently steals touchdowns from one of your opponent's regular starters (thank you, Mike Tolbert and LenDale White!). Or a surprising D/ST that no one thought to draft. Or an injury replacement guy who turns heads (Ben Tate made my year in 2011 when I signed him, but when I drafted him in 2012 he burned me badly. Well, actually Arian Foster did by staying healthy).
Have a little fun with it
Whether your last pick or two are entirely inconsequential following your terrific early draft picks, or you already figure to have no shot at your league's title to begin with, feel free to have a little fun with your draft.
Draft players based upon silly names: Woodhead, Gronkowski, Gostkowski, Gradkowski, Lebowski, Barkevious Mingo (you'll just have to draft the entire Cleveland D/ST). Gosh, I miss Chad Ochocinco...
Draft a team of some of the shortest players and rename your team the "Shortstuffs" or "Coming up Short" or something like that: Drew Brees (6'0"), Russell Wilson (5'11"), DeSean Jackson (5'10"), Doug Martin (5'9"), Wes Welker (5'9"), Steve Smith (5'9"), Ray Rice (5'8"), Dexter McCluster (5'8"... on second thought, fuck McCluster! He screwed me in the past!), Maurice Jones-Drew (5'7"), Darren Sproles (5'6"), Jacquizz Rodgers (5'6").
Or show your opponents that you have as much respect for them as you do for the law by drafting a team like this: Aaron Hernandez, Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress, Adam "Pacman" Jones, O.J. Simpson, the 2005 Minnesota Vikings, every Bengals team from 2006-2011, and Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam.
Follow these tips, and I guarantee* success in your fantasy football league.
*Guarantee may not apply in some states. Or any state. Or any country.
On with the preview anyway! Here are my tips on becoming a successful fantasy football owner (maybe someday they'll even work for me).
Get the first overall pick
This is just a no-brainer, really. Assuming your league does the standard snake style draft, whoever has the first overall pick starts with a huge advantage (my league switched over to an auction style draft a couple years ago and now I've developed a love/hate relationship with it).
I don't care how you do it, just make sure you've got that first pick. Intentionally tank the season before (and repeat every year to keep getting the number one pick), hack into the system, sleep with the commissioner, or just become commissioner yourself through any means necessary (elimination of rivals, forming key alliances, starting your own league, etc.). That reminds me...I became commissioner of my league this year. Hmmm....
Stay away from New England TEs...
Remember last year when people went crazy over the Pats' twin TEs, Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski? Yeah...not so much this year.
Gronk is a year or two away from leaving the NFL to live his dream of being that guy who still lives at the fraternity despite graduating/failing to graduate five years ago. Plus, he's got his own personal ambulance now to take him everywhere he goes just in case he hurts himself again.
As for Hernandez, I haven't really been paying much attention to the news lately, but I hear some troubling things about this kid. I'd say wait until next year when the controversy is over. Now can anyone fill me in on what he did? I've been out of the loop.
...but load up on as many other Patriots as possible!
Tom Brady is called the "Golden Boy" for a reason. As much as I hate the comparisons to Joe Montana, he's a surefire Hall of Fame quarterback, and has a tendency to turn the players around him into pure gold. The only reason Wes Welker will remain relevant is because now Peyton Manning is throwing to him. Do you honestly think anyone would remotely know who Danny Woodhead is without Brady? He even made Brandon Lloyd look competent for one season!
So even if you can't grab Brady himself, grab any and all other Patriots you can find! Say hello to Kenbrell Thompkins and Zach Sudfield!
Never use your second pick on D/ST
Again, if you're doing the snake draft, this is very important. I made the mistake of drafting the Chicago Bears D/ST in 2008 with my second pick. By the end of the season they weren't even on my team anymore. They were an unstoppable fantasy juggernaut the year before! How was I to know they'd fall apart so quickly? Thanks for the advice, Woody Paige...
If you're going to draft a mobile QB, draft another one who forgets that he even has legs to run with
Seriously, mobile quarterbacks are the unluckiest sonnuvabitches in the NFL. If they aren't dealing with injuries, they are inevitably just sucking at times. How many of you have drafted Cam Newton the last two years only to bench him every time he earns 25+ fantasy points and start him the weeks where he gets about 8 points? And don't get me started on Michael Vick!
If you're going to take a highly regarded mobile QB, you'll need a reliable pocket passer to compliment him. It's just smart. As highly regarded as Newton, Russell Wilson, Colin Kaepernick, and RGIII are right now, don't draft them without at least getting a Tony Romo or Eli Manning; if not something better.
I'm planning on naming my first born son after Kaepernick if he can lead my team back to the Super Bowl, but I'm not relying on him to be my starting fantasy QB.
Never trust a Charger
I dare you to name more than one receiver on that team. Plus, they have Ryan Matthews. Ryan...Matthews. And remember when Phillip Rivers was actually a good QB?
Avoid Jamaal Charles and Darren McFadden
I realize I'm being a Negative Nancy with most of these tips so far, but trust me on this one. I've been burned twice now by Charles' injury tendencies and my father can tell you how aggravating owning McFadden can be. Make sure you've already got two running backs with functioning legs and feet before taking a risk on these two.
Put your faith in God...
...and draft Tim Tebow. Because with Tebow on your team, God will definitely be on your side. All your players will magically score 20+ points every week. Provided none of your opponents are sacrificing goats to Cthulhu as a means to win, you'll have a huge advantage.
Check for free agents every week
This is a little post-draft tip. How come all these previews always neglect to look past the draft? That's when the most important stuff really happens. Check those free agents and waiver wires in your league regularly. You'll never know when you'll find a goal line RB who consistently steals touchdowns from one of your opponent's regular starters (thank you, Mike Tolbert and LenDale White!). Or a surprising D/ST that no one thought to draft. Or an injury replacement guy who turns heads (Ben Tate made my year in 2011 when I signed him, but when I drafted him in 2012 he burned me badly. Well, actually Arian Foster did by staying healthy).
Have a little fun with it
Whether your last pick or two are entirely inconsequential following your terrific early draft picks, or you already figure to have no shot at your league's title to begin with, feel free to have a little fun with your draft.
Draft players based upon silly names: Woodhead, Gronkowski, Gostkowski, Gradkowski, Lebowski, Barkevious Mingo (you'll just have to draft the entire Cleveland D/ST). Gosh, I miss Chad Ochocinco...
Draft a team of some of the shortest players and rename your team the "Shortstuffs" or "Coming up Short" or something like that: Drew Brees (6'0"), Russell Wilson (5'11"), DeSean Jackson (5'10"), Doug Martin (5'9"), Wes Welker (5'9"), Steve Smith (5'9"), Ray Rice (5'8"), Dexter McCluster (5'8"... on second thought, fuck McCluster! He screwed me in the past!), Maurice Jones-Drew (5'7"), Darren Sproles (5'6"), Jacquizz Rodgers (5'6").
Or show your opponents that you have as much respect for them as you do for the law by drafting a team like this: Aaron Hernandez, Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress, Adam "Pacman" Jones, O.J. Simpson, the 2005 Minnesota Vikings, every Bengals team from 2006-2011, and Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam.
Follow these tips, and I guarantee* success in your fantasy football league.
*Guarantee may not apply in some states. Or any state. Or any country.
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