Food trends that need to stop

I love food. You don’t even have to know me to see this is true. One look at me tells all: “That guy loves food.”

You know what I love even more than food? Good food. Tasty, scrumptious, decadent, healthy, fattening, light, heavy, salty, moist, dry, fat-free food! Doesn’t matter whether it is good for me or not; the question is does it have the right flavor? Does it stimulate the senses while satisfying hunger? If so, I’ll eat it. If not … I still might eat it, but I won’t enjoy it.

However, there are some things I just won’t do. There are certain modern food trends that need to stop - that irk me to no end. Basically because I'm easily irked, but now that I have a blog I can share them with you. Because complaining about trivial things is part of the blogger code.

#5: Capri Sun

This really isn’t a modern trend; Capri Sun has been around for several years. I loved them as a kid! This is more of an epiphany on my part. I realized that all Capri Sun taste the same. It really doesn’t matter which flavor you buy for your kids, they all taste exactly the same.

#4: Energy bars with chocolate in them

Stop kidding yourself. You are a chocolate bar! You are candy! You are not healthy! Same goes for the ones with peanut butter and/or marshmallows in addition to chocolate. Now stay away from my pure granola bars!

#3: Kale salads

Don’t bullshit me with how healthy it is. It’s disgusting! I don’t what it is, but the texture of kale makes me gag every single time. Eating leather has better texture than kale, and leather tastes better too. Give me a good old fashioned piece of lettuce any day.

This fad has grown particularly strong in my hometown of San Francisco, much to my dismay. Every restaurant there now has kale salad on the menu. I've seen whole menus with just different variations of kale salad. I've even seen menus made out of kale!

#2: Red velvet cake

At first I didn’t even like red velvet cake. I became sick the first two times I tried it. Then I did develop a taste for it, only to realize one thing: red velvet cake is chocolate cake. It is chocolate cake that has been dyed red and covered in vanilla frosting. That’s it. There’s no secret to it other than red food coloring and making sure to use vanilla frosting. 

So I let it go. Until I started seeing the red velvet cupcakes. And red velvet cookies. And red velvet muffins. And red velvet cake flavored ice cream. Yes, you read that correctly. Ice cream has joined the red velvet craze. This fad needs to stop before we start seeing red velvet pie, red velvet pasta, and red velvet salad (which will undoubtedly surpass kale salad in popularity).

#1: Bacon!

I know I’m not going to win a lot of people over on this one. For starters, I just want to say I do like bacon. Bacon is a delicious breakfast item. You can’t go wrong with a plate of eggs, sausage, pancakes, and bacon. But that’s just it – bacon is for breakfast. You are not supposed to be eating bacon every morning, noon, and night.

Just as separation of church and state is in the U.S. Constitution, separation of bacon and meals-that-are-not-breakfast is in the Mealtime Constitution. So when I see bacon on a hamburger; when I see bacon bits on a pizza, potato, or salad; when I see Denny’s entire Baconalia menu (is that a bacon brownie? Oh God! A bacon milkshake? Are you fucking kidding me!?!?!); or when I see bacon vodka (it really does exist) I think to myself, “This is unholy. This breaks every law of food!”

Keep bacon where it belongs – as a breakfast side dish!

Honorable mention: People who only eat gluten-free food, but aren’t actually gluten intolerant.

Pest control

In 8^th grade I had a pest problem. I’m not talking about ants or fruit flies in the pantry or something – I’m talking about a classmate who made it his goal to annoy and offend me at every opportunity.

This pest, we’ll call him "Lefty" (for reasons that will soon become apparent and because I honestly can’t remember his name anymore), shared one class with me, his locker was near mine, and we rode the same school bus. So we crossed paths on a nearly daily basis. And for whatever reason he took it up on himself to do everything possible to get under my skin. 

He must have sensed my naturally good nature and isolation stemming from my still relatively new environment. He was pipsqueak 7^th grader - short with glasses - which only further infuriated me. Not only would swatting him break my streak of consecutive non-bullying days, but the fact he was younger, smaller, and somehow looked dorkier than me added an extra dilemma of pre-guilt (which is the guilt I know I would feel if I actually followed through with something. I always weigh the level of pre-guilt before I take any action).

Lefty would annoy me in whatever way possible. Bothering me on the bus while sleeping/reading/listening to music, “accidentally” closing my locker after I open it, and just plain…I don’t know… just refusing to give me a moments peace. I need my moments of peace. It is how I avoid snapping and waking up to find nothing left standing within a five mile radius.

Lefty wouldn’t give me peace. And he paid the price.

This pestering went on for about three months. Shortly before winter break, I finally broke and took my revenge.

It was PE class. We were having some free time and I was shooting basketball in the gym. Lefty walked up and struck up a conversation. By which I mean he started telling “Yo Momma” jokes. Remember those?

Now, if it hasn’t already been made abundantly clear in this blog, I love my family. I take family very seriously. And I was never a fan of “Yo Momma” jokes to begin with. So this pipsqueak comes up to me and starts up with these tacky jokes at the expense of my mother…well, I had had enough.

Before I go on, I should explain something: I have the feet of a full grown elephant. Hobbit feet have nothing on me. I am a living, breathing, (slightly) less hairy Bigfoot.

Lefty had finally pushed me too far, and I brought the full weight of my left foot down upon his right foot. With the strength of jackhammer driving into concrete, I stomped down and gave him the nickname he now bears.

I remember being surrounded by students and teachers and Lefty carried to the office – one leg dangling limply. His cries of pain still haunt me sometimes. I don’t remember much after that, but the next I thing I knew I too was in the office. They shackled my legs and put armed guards around me in case my feet went out of control and endangered anyone else.

I sat down with the nurse and vice principal and told my story. After I finished, the vice principal looked me in the eye and said, “OK. We’ve heard this before. Lefty is a perpetual troublemaker, I don’t blame you.” 

I was given a stern warning not to do it again and allowed to resume my school day.

That night I called my father to describe my ordeal. His response: “You stomped on him? What kind of reaction is that, Stomper!?!?”

He still calls me that to this day. The legend of Stomper lives on.

My somewhat peculiar reaction did work, however. Lefty’s attitude toward me completely changed. He was very apologetic about his teasing. I can’t help but think the reason for his sudden turnaround had something to do with the fact that his right foot now looked like that of a cartoon character after it has been run over by a steam roller. We even became friends of sorts since we continued riding the same school bus through all of middle school and half of high school (Yeah, I still rode the bus in high school. What of it? That parking lot was a mess! And years of city living had taught me the value of free public transportation).

So the morals of this story are: inflicting physical pain always gets you your way and can even turn enemies into friends, Bigfoot is real and he is me, and beware da feet (Get it? Da feet – defeat…it’s like a pun…)

Recap

Whoa! Last week was my first since starting this blog in which I didn't have a post. Probably a good thing, it would be hard to top my previous weighty topic so quickly. This might become more commonplace. Not sure I can or really want to keep up the pace I've been writing at.

I'm back now, though, and am here to provide a recap of what's been going on in my life the past month. No...not even a month really. More like two and a half weeks. These past weeks can best be summarized with some pros/cons.

• Con: Mom got a horrible cancer diagnosis. You already read about that.
• Pro: My girlfriend and I spent our first major holiday together. She visited for Easter, and we had a grand ol' time.

• Con: Another cancer diagnosis in my family. My grandfather's lung cancer, beaten into remission years back, has returned with a vengeance.
• Pro: My girlfriend and I took a short road trip through Eastern Washington to visit friends from our college days. We got to hangout with people we hadn't seen in a year (longer for her), surprise friends who thought we were coming later in the week, visit our alma mater, and return to the place where we first met. I also got to eat, then choke on, a "Peep" meant to represent Jesus. Happy Easter!

• Pro: Baseball season started!
• Con: I missed Opening Day and most of Opening Week. Hey! I was traveling - I have an excuse!

• Pro: Season finale of Justified!
• Con: No more Justified until next year. :(
• Pro: New episodes of Doctor Who!

• Con: My NCAA tournament bracket sucks. Like, god-awful this year.
• Pro: The Warriors are poised to make the playoffs. I have a reason to pay attention to the NBA again!

• Con: North Korea is poised to destroy the world.
• Pro: Wrestlemania XXIX was last night! (Although admittedly, rather lackluster for a PPV.)

That basically covers it. There is more I've probably forgotten to mention, but as you can see from the list, there's been a lot on my mind lately. My brain capacity is pretty much full.

Now I realize that the cons may seem to substantially outweigh the pros, but keep in mind I'm the guy who really, really appreciates the little things in life. The things that I feel actually make life worth it all, despite the awful tragedies that occur everyday. As John Fogerty once sang, "I ain't no fortunate one." Life hasn't been fair to me since I was 12. I've gotten used to it and adapted.

Sure, I could fret about North Korea's impending nuclear assault on America's West Coast and our Pacific allies, but it's much more entertaining to worry about how Pablo Sandoval's weight might affect his batting average, power numbers, and fielding.

I could moan about how everyone I know is dying (I did two weeks ago, after all). But that is (generally) not who I am. So even as life continues to pile up the crap in my life and threaten to bury me beneath it, I'm still going to enjoy those little things.

Where would any of us be if it weren't for our friends and family? What would any of us do without our hobbies and interests? These things define us. I've still got friends and family, and I've still got plenty of distractions. While I need to avoid getting too caught up in my distractions, letting life's turmoil define me is not a suitable alternative. I need to find the careful balance - as I always have.