Life goals

I’m a man of simple pleasures and desires. I don’t want wealth or fame. I don’t want statues in my honor, I don’t want a biography about my life, I don't want TMZ following my every move, I don’t want to marry a Kardashian.

I just want to live comfortably.

For now that means moving back to “Seattle,” finding a simple job, and restoring some semblance of order to my life. But I also want to share a few other, more specific, goals I have in life.

Travel outside the U.S.

Traveling has never been much of a thing in my family. Mostly because traveling costs time and money, two things we usually can’t afford. I’ve pretty much been locked onto the West Coast my whole life – I’ve barely seen anything else in this great country of ours, and have never been outside our borders. It would be nice to get out once in awhile.

Break my dad’s record

It is a legendary tale in my family. The tale of the time my father came home from college and proceeded to eat 16 of my grandma’s beloved kaisnips – a German(ish) doughy food item filled with cottage cheese. Trust me, it tastes a LOT better than it sounds. One day I vow to break that family record.

Return trips to New Orleans; Blackfoot

I’ve had two truly transformative service trips in my life. One was to New Orleans a year after Hurricane Katrina ravaged the area, the second was two years ago to the Shoshone-Bannock Indian Reservation near Blackfoot, Idaho.

Both were such amazing experiences that I have to go back someday. Although for New Orleans, I’d prefer more of a tourist experience the second time around. But when it comes to Blackfoot, I’d love nothing more than to work with and help the same group of kids I did last time.

To write…

…and preferably get paid for it! It’s my love of writing that led me to journalism (even though I’m starting to doubt it’s the right career path for me) and finally caused me to cave and start this blog. Writing is my drug. I need it! It’s one of the few things in life I’m confident I’m fairly good at (the others: telling bad puns, eating, being a good older brother).

Romo 3:16

Bible fans are familiar with John 3:16: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.

Sports fans recognize John 3:16 as the term on all those signs that tend to pop up at major sporting events.

Pro wrestling fans (which is a guilty pleasure of mine) should be familiar with the term “Austin 3:16.”

My goal in life is to do the same with Romo 3:16.

Giants pitcher Sergio Romo has a catchphrase, “That’s what’s up!” That’s Romo 3:16. I was inspired by someone holding the John 3:16 sign on-camera during the final inning of this year’s World Series. In a fit of excitement I yelled out, “Romo 3:16 says ‘Now that’s what’s up!’” 

Romo 3:16. Believe it!

(I am an incredible sports nerd)

Witness a shootout between Timothy Olyphant of “Justified” and Nathan Fillion of “Firefly”

I could then die happy and ascend to TV Heaven.

I'm thankful for...

Tis the season for giving thanks. Tis also the season for eating until you can’t move, passing out on the couch during football, and camping out in front of your local superstore. Let’s just focus on that first option right now.

I’m thankful to have graduated college and survived. Less thankful for all the debt I’ve accumulated, but oh well. You can’t make an omellette (omelet?) without going broke, right?

On that note, I’m thankful to Prof. Shors for bailing me out when my college advisor and I made an egregious error in miscalculating the number of credits I had completed. I would not have graduated on time without his help. But gosh, he is a tough grader!

I’m thankful to have a loving family to always support me. Especially my dad, who has been unbelievably patient with me. I’ll be out of his hair soon as I am preparing to return to the Seattle area.

I’m thankful for the family functions I’ve gotten to attend lately: couple of wedding celebrations, grandfather’s birthday, an early Thanksgiving. Ten years living in Washington state means I haven’t seen a lot of the Hoff family like I used to. I’ve got a lot of relatives stretched across northern California. Not sure if a larger group of misfits exists on this planet, but I love ‘em anyway.

I’m thankful for friends who still stick by me, through thick and thin.

I’m thankful to still have a home after twice in the last two years it looked like my family would be without one.

I’m thankful just that my mother is still alive. She’s so stubborn that not even Stage 4 breast cancer can kill her.

I’m thankful for the San Francisco Giants. Is a new dynasty brewing…?

I’m thankful there will be no more Twilight movies. Our long national nightmare is over.

I’m thankful for my fantasy football team. Which basically means I’m thankful just for Drew Brees and the Bears D/ST. Time to finish the season strong!

I’m thankful for the opportunity  next week to see the earth quaking, booty shaking, heart stopping, brain shocking, house rocking, pants dropping, love making, Viagra taking, history making, death defying, electrifying, sexifying, legendary E Street Band!

I’m thankful to the average 49.13 readers my blog attracts each week. That’s 39.08 more readers than I expected to average. No sign, however, that my old Australian fanbase is growing.

I’m thankful for my hands, for being so great. No, wait…that’s Freddie Mitchell’s line. Where is Fred Ex these days?

I’m thankful to have two Thanksgivings this year. Yeah, I get to celebrate twice!

And most of all, I’m thankful for a loving, caring, beautiful girlfriend waiting for me back home. Life isn’t easy at times, but she makes it all better. Nothing else matters when I’m talking with her. See you soon!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

How to win friends, but not really influence anyone

By 2002, my mother and stepfather were fed up with the California lifestyle. I remember them complaining a lot about how it took an hour to drive less than 10 miles to work. So they came up with the brilliant idea of moving to a magical land without traffic jams: Washington!

No, not the nation’s capitol. That’s what I thought at the time, too. I was sorely disappointed to learn they meant the state. 

The only thing I knew about Washington state was it rained a lot and they had a city named Seattle, which was the state capitol and which contained a large needle-like building. Turns out Seattle is not the state capitol, and it really doesn’t look anything like a needle. Nor is it from space. False advertising.

Without going into detail about the anguishing decision I had to make to stay in California with my father or move north with the rest of my family, by August 2002 I found myself living in a town just outside Seattle (I am withholding the name for privacy’s sake and because everyone who lives near Seattle has learned by now to just tell strangers “I’m from Seattle” rather than provide a more exact, honest answer. It just simplifies things).

My new town was a small, isolated community. I can’t say that everybody in town knows each other, but the degree of separation is equal to just one Kevin Bacon. This was certainly true for all the kids in the local school system who had all grown up together. I was now thrust headfirst into the deep end of this pool known as middle school. 

Needless to say, it wasn’t an easy transition. But one seemingly innocuous event in 8^th grade helped turn my fortunes around slightly.

As all such life altering events do, it occurred in the school cafeteria.

Our school lunches were nothing to write home about, but there was always one item all the kids fought over: the chocolate chip cookies. Helen of Troy may have launched a thousand ships, but if Paris had captured our school’s supplies of cookies instead of her, we would have easily launched five thousand ships to recover them.

I too had an affinity for these cookies, and one day it passed that I was still hungry after finishing my own lunch. My friends at the lunch table had finished their own hassled bargaining for control of the most chocolate chip cookies (lunch at our middle school looked like the floor of the New York Stock Exchange with all the trading going on) when I noticed that amidst all the ruckus a few crumbs had fallen upon the table.

With no sense of shame, I gently swept the crumbs off the table into one hand and proceed to devour them as though they were the last morsels of food I’d ever see. Then I immediately spit them out.

Turns out those weren’t cookie crumbs. It was dirt.

Why tell this humiliating story? Because some of my most embarrassing moments are also my proudest. Because that was the day, and the exact moment, that I made my best friend in the world.

We shall call him “Puma” for privacy’s sake (it is an inside reference I’m not even sure he remembers. No, it’s not Lance Berkman – sorry baseball fans). To this day, if you ask Puma when we first became friends, he’ll point to that moment – watching me eat dirt at the lunch table – as the moment he realized I was a pretty funny guy. 

Puma also might talk about our time spent in 8^th grade heading up the middle school newspaper, but, believe it or not, that was actually more traumatizing than eating dirt. I’d rather not talk about it.

Bottom line, Puma and I were practically like brothers by the time we survived high school. To this day there’s no one I trust and value more than him.

Moral of the story: if you ever find yourself moving to a strange new town where you don’t know anyone, just embarrass yourself during a meal in front of a bunch of people and at least one of them will take pity on you and become a friend for life.

Am I embarrassed? Sure. Am I also proud of the result? You bet.

Here’s to life altering embarrassment. Cheers!

Top ten things I miss about college

10. Going to class

Yes, I am nerdy enough to say that. Some classes were awesome! Media analysis was fun not just for the content, but because it was taught by a crazy professor who always wore a hunting knife on his belt. Political science once allowed me to play a Russian Communist who assassinated a CIA agent (the role I was born to play).

9. Snow

Sure, I miss it now, but I know after five consecutive months of Palouse snowfall I'd be sick of it per usual.

8. Washington State University basketball


Not football. WSU football would be on a list of things I DON'T miss about college, right behind tuition costs. Basketball, however, still has a place in my heart even though our best players are gone. Thankfully Klay Thompson now plays for my NBA team!

7. My Australian fanbase

See #3.

6. Glenn Johnson's voice

Voice of the Cougs, mayor of Pullman, and the longest tenured communication professor at WSU. Glenn Johnson is Pullman's kindlier version of Big Brother.

5. Having a schedule

As I mentioned in my first ever blog post, college provided a routine for me. It provided purpose. Finishing college and being unemployed has caused me to go a little stir-crazy. I've got too much time on my hands and too few things to fill the time. I start doing things like blogging. I get wrapped up in my own head, and there are few things more terrifying than the inner workings of my mind.

4. My friends

I really do miss the people of Pullman. Not everyone, of course; I also met some pretty terrible people at WSU. But in general things are lonelier in San Francisco than my college days. I love SF, but there aren't many people I still know here. There's nothing I appreciate more these days than phone calls from my old school chums.

3. The Daily Evergreen

I could fill this list just with things from my time working with the campus newspaper. Soooo many fond memories. I had the honor of working with the second greatest group of people I've ever met in that newsroom (you'll read about the single greatest shortly. Sorry, Evergreeners). Trust me, there will be blog posts about my time there.

2. My girlfriend

Admittedly, we started dating after college, but I met her there. We have a long-distance relationship. I've seen her once in the last 10 months. No, I'm not making her up! No, she doesn't live in Canada! Come on! She just lives near Canada.

1. Inspire!

Words cannot express how much this group meant to me. Not words, grunts, body gestures, Morse code, nor interpretative dance will ever convey what this Christian college group did for me. I've never been much of a religious man. For awhile I was even a hardcore atheist. But I was lured to join by a friend with the promise of a free meal and good company. And they were good company, the absolute best friends in all my time at WSU - maybe in life in general. My religious beliefs are still hard to define, but there is one thing I can definitely put my faith in - the strength and power of loving community.

Honorable mentions: Flix, La Casa Lopez in Moscow, Nuthouse, heated sidewalks, the family of feral cats, Ben Shors' dog.