Food trends that need to stop

I love food. You don’t even have to know me to see this is true. One look at me tells all: “That guy loves food.”

You know what I love even more than food? Good food. Tasty, scrumptious, decadent, healthy, fattening, light, heavy, salty, moist, dry, fat-free food! Doesn’t matter whether it is good for me or not; the question is does it have the right flavor? Does it stimulate the senses while satisfying hunger? If so, I’ll eat it. If not … I still might eat it, but I won’t enjoy it.

However, there are some things I just won’t do. There are certain modern food trends that need to stop - that irk me to no end. Basically because I'm easily irked, but now that I have a blog I can share them with you. Because complaining about trivial things is part of the blogger code.

#5: Capri Sun

This really isn’t a modern trend; Capri Sun has been around for several years. I loved them as a kid! This is more of an epiphany on my part. I realized that all Capri Sun taste the same. It really doesn’t matter which flavor you buy for your kids, they all taste exactly the same.

#4: Energy bars with chocolate in them

Stop kidding yourself. You are a chocolate bar! You are candy! You are not healthy! Same goes for the ones with peanut butter and/or marshmallows in addition to chocolate. Now stay away from my pure granola bars!

#3: Kale salads

Don’t bullshit me with how healthy it is. It’s disgusting! I don’t what it is, but the texture of kale makes me gag every single time. Eating leather has better texture than kale, and leather tastes better too. Give me a good old fashioned piece of lettuce any day.

This fad has grown particularly strong in my hometown of San Francisco, much to my dismay. Every restaurant there now has kale salad on the menu. I've seen whole menus with just different variations of kale salad. I've even seen menus made out of kale!

#2: Red velvet cake

At first I didn’t even like red velvet cake. I became sick the first two times I tried it. Then I did develop a taste for it, only to realize one thing: red velvet cake is chocolate cake. It is chocolate cake that has been dyed red and covered in vanilla frosting. That’s it. There’s no secret to it other than red food coloring and making sure to use vanilla frosting. 

So I let it go. Until I started seeing the red velvet cupcakes. And red velvet cookies. And red velvet muffins. And red velvet cake flavored ice cream. Yes, you read that correctly. Ice cream has joined the red velvet craze. This fad needs to stop before we start seeing red velvet pie, red velvet pasta, and red velvet salad (which will undoubtedly surpass kale salad in popularity).

#1: Bacon!

I know I’m not going to win a lot of people over on this one. For starters, I just want to say I do like bacon. Bacon is a delicious breakfast item. You can’t go wrong with a plate of eggs, sausage, pancakes, and bacon. But that’s just it – bacon is for breakfast. You are not supposed to be eating bacon every morning, noon, and night.

Just as separation of church and state is in the U.S. Constitution, separation of bacon and meals-that-are-not-breakfast is in the Mealtime Constitution. So when I see bacon on a hamburger; when I see bacon bits on a pizza, potato, or salad; when I see Denny’s entire Baconalia menu (is that a bacon brownie? Oh God! A bacon milkshake? Are you fucking kidding me!?!?!); or when I see bacon vodka (it really does exist) I think to myself, “This is unholy. This breaks every law of food!”

Keep bacon where it belongs – as a breakfast side dish!

Honorable mention: People who only eat gluten-free food, but aren’t actually gluten intolerant.