23

It never officially feels like the New Year for me until I’ve had my birthday, which has now past.
 

I’m now 23-years-old, and as often is the case when I celebrate a birthday, I’ve done a lot of thinking. Thinking about the future and looking back at my past.

Twenty-three is definitely going to have some challenges.

I’m stuck in a sort of existential quandary. I started this blog struggling to find a career in the field of journalism. Now I doubt that’s what I really want for myself. Problem is I don’t know what I want for myself. So I’m stuck living at home like a 23-year-old bum sitting in front of his computer writing blog posts. At least I’m not playing World of Warcraft and my parents don’t have a basement, so the cliché isn’t complete.

It’s not easy getting back into the saddle when every horse has thrown you off, and now you doubt that horse riding is what you really want to do after all. Point is I don’t like horses. No, that’s not right. Point is when you’ve been rejected, ignored, and misled by employers in one particular business for awhile, you start wondering if you're not cut out for this particular line of work.

I have to find a way to overcome my own crippling self-doubt and lack of purpose to find a career path. Find out how I’m going make my way in the world. Lord knows it won’t be through this blog.

I’ve been told this is rather natural for people in their 20s, but that doesn’t change the fact it hurts.

Complicating matters is my very family I now live with again. We’re still poor, we still live in a dirty house we can’t afford, and things are only going to get worse before they get better.

My mother has Stage 4 breast cancer. Some fresh new tumors were discovered two months ago. While she’s never been in remission, these new tumors represent the most serious development since her initial diagnosis in 2008. Heavy amounts of chemotherapy are in her future, the side effects of which are quite devastating in their own right. The family is on edge about it.

A lot of bad days lie ahead for me and my family. There’s no hiding from that, and I might as well be honest about it.

However, through all the bad times past and present, I’ve never been one to roll over and quit. I’ve never looked defeat in the face and said, “I give up.” 

Basically I’m stubborn. I hide it well, but deep down I’m one stubborn son of a gun (so stubborn that I still refuse to swear even in blog format).

I’ve stubbornly held on to hope in the past, and I plan to continue doing so in the future. Even when things are at their bleakest, I’ve always been a man to take pleasure from the little things in life. And there are still plenty of pleasures to be had.

I’ve got a family that will unconditionally love and support me through my time of soul (and job) searching.

I get to watch the Giants defend their World Series championship.

I’ve got a team in the Super Bowl this year.

I get to watch my little sisters as they continue to grow.

I get to continue enjoying the fact the world didn’t end on Dec. 21.

I’m living rent-free while I’m home.

And best of all, I have a girlfriend who makes me feel happier than I’ve ever been in my whole life. More than baseball, more than football, more than family, more than Bruce Springsteen (and that’s saying a LOT coming from me).

Yes, 23 has a lot of challenges ahead. Yes, there are many things plaguing my mind these days. But I’m not going to let that stop me. It never has before.