Bike lane to Hell

There is a danger lurking on our nation’s highways. OK, not highways but boulevards, avenues, and streets. A mobile threat to law-abiding citizens everywhere. OK, maybe it’s only a West Coast thing – I don’t travel much so I don’t know for sure. Point is: people are being put at risk and I know who the culprit is.

Bike riders.

Not bikers. Get any images you might have of rogue bands of greasy long-haired ZZ-Top lookalikes or post-apocalyptic leather clad maniacs motoring down the highway on their choppers out of your head. I’m talking about normal bicycles and the Pearl Izumi clad, safety helmet wearing, back blinker carrying, average Joes and Janes who terrorize my commute every day.

I know what I’m about to say isn’t popular. Everyone likes to stick up to for bike riders, commend them for their dedication to hard work and exercise and promote their smog-free mode of transportation.

Well I’m done being a sheep munching the grain of public opinion. I’m here to tell the truth, to open your eyes to what’s really going on!

Bike riders are evil.

Sure, they look innocent enough. The way they peddle slowly along the side of the road, such tiny and unimposing figures as us real Americans cruise by in our Hummers. And that’s just the problem: they might be small in comparison to our vehicles, but they have the advantage.

Everyone is afraid to hit a bicyclist. I see it every day in “Seattle,” which as I’ve mentioned before isn’t really Seattle. I see the cars moving over to accommodate these two-wheeled pansies, ensuring they have enough breathing room. I see traffic slowing down to make sure bicyclists aren’t in any danger. I do it myself! I’m as much to blame as any of you!

Therein lays their power. Bicyclists know they own the road, and they aren’t afraid to abuse that power.

Each and every one of us knows what would happen if we ever struck a bike rider with our car. Instant ticket to jail! No judge or jury is going to listen to the poor, defenseless motorist who accidentally nudged the fragile, even more defenseless bicyclist. Look at those things - one strong gust of wind could send them right over; let alone a little love tap from a bumper. 

What leaves nothing but maybe a small dent in another fellow’s car sends a bicyclist to the emergency room. Who do you think is going to receive all the blame for that? Not the bicyclist.

I know that, you know that, and they know that. And they use it to their advantage.

I’ve seen bike riders pedaling right down the middle of the road going half the speed limit - less if they're going uphill. Do they move aside for their larger, four-wheeled fellow travelers? No! We have to do all the work to avoid killing them while they get to continue on like nothing is happening! Meanwhile, cars are frantically swerving to avoid hitting the rider(s) and oncoming traffic in an attempt to go around and go about their daily business; to simply complete their usual commute. Bike riders are turning our towns and cities into death traps!

I’ve seen bike riders plow right through stop signs and the occasional red light. The rules of the road don’t apply to them, folks. They own the roads. Maybe not literally, since roads are generally funded and built by government, but bike riders certainly get away with a lot on America’s roadways.

But I have seen far worse things than all that (not to say “All That” was a bad TV show. I rather liked it as a child).

In San Francisco (real San Francisco, not “San Francisco.” When I’m living in San Francisco, I’m really in San Francisco. Not like how I live in “Seattle.” Got it?) bike riders always travel in packs. I’ve seen them anywhere from packs of 3-5 to mega packs of 10-12. Drivers have no chance against those odds. I’ve seen packs of bike riders completely take over the streets of San Francisco (cue the music!).

I’ve seen drivers pulled from their vehicles by pack members and beaten within an inch of their lives. I’ve seen cars swarmed by larger packs to the point where they are completely obscured from sight. And once the pack has dispersed and moved on, all that’s left is the hollow frame of the vehicle and maybe a few bones of the passengers – picked clean by the bike riders.

Do you know who invented the bicycle? Hitler! Look it up if you don’t believe me. You’ll probably find the bicycle originated before Hitler was born, which shows you just how deep the bicycle conspiracy runs.

Do you know where else bicycles are popular? China! That’s right, Communist China! (Well, sort of communist…just a little bit). How does it feel supporting the country that practically owns America at this point? (There's no joke here. We are in so much debt.)

Spread the word, my friends. It’s time to speak-up against bicyclists everywhere! But be on your guard. Bike riders are everywhere. They are our neighbors, our leaders, even law enforcement! 

You might even have a bicyclist living in your own home.

Look out, there’s a bicyclist behind you right now! Whew! It’s gone. That was a close one.

Be constantly vigilant, my fellow drivers. Or else you might one day wake up to find a steering wheel or engine in your bed. 

Drivers – united we stand! Well, we sit actually while using our feet on the brake and accelerator. But you get the idea.