Things I've learned from Mystery Science Theater 3000

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• Where the fish lives.
• Never let Ernest Borgnine tell you a bedtime story.
• Every male of any species has the biological urge to panty raid.
• Pumas can fly.
• Always watch out for snakes.
• If you don't like someone, launch them into space.
• Man is a feeling creature, and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. Men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when Men seek such perfection they find only death, fire, loss, disillusionment – the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to toil and misery. It can't be given; it has to be achieved. There is hope – but it has to come from inside; from Man himself.
• Roger Corman is an overrated director.
• If you try hard enough, you can push your skull out through your forehead.
• It is a wise thing to focus one's attention on the good and the beautiful in life.
• Never, under any circumstances, drive with your buttcheeks.
• Heaven has a special place for sidekicks like Tonto, Robin and Curly Joe.
• Gamera is really neat, Gamera is filled with meat.
• Gamera is the friend of all children.
• Japan and Mexico are really goofy countries.
• Canada has been known to disguise itself as England.
• Santa Claus runs an extensive spy network.
• Santa Claus is a lifetime member of the NRA.
• Santa Claus lives in a castle orbiting Earth's atmosphere.
• Santa Claus is part of the oppressive bourgeois.
• Santa Claus was once kidnapped by Martians.
• Santa Claus was killed in action in Vietnam.
• Use plenty of lip and tongue action while speaking.
• Never tamper in God's domain.
• Shrews are the most deadly animal on the planet.
• Hercules could bend bars, but he couldn't break out of a net.
• The most important part of any public speech is the pre-speech Knee Test.
• President Jimmy Carter was a badass guerrilla leader.
• Spiders can growl.
• A lot of movie directors have issues with women. Instead of therapy, they resort to film making.
• It is perfectly acceptable to sell your soul to Satan in order to score with a chick.
• Atlantis didn't sink. It moved from Earth to one of the moons of Jupiter.
• Cops are allowed to use excessive force at all times.
• The ocean isn't very wet.
• The moon has air.
• Criminal activities of the youth can always be blamed on the parents. It's a perfectly viable legal defense.
• Heaven has special divisions of guardian angels devoted solely to protecting traffic violators and honeymooners.
• In alternate dimensions, your evil alter ego always has a goatee.
• White people are bland and boring. Emotions are for ethnic people.
• It is possible to travel through time in a small prop plane.
• Blind people sense through their sweat glands.
• Booze alleviates any tense situation.
• Booze helps parents love their kids more.
• The smut business is more dangerous than drug dealing or kidnapping.
• Make sure you order from Togo's Pizza, not Torgo's Pizza.
• Never do anything The Master wouldn't approve of.
• Fertilizer salesmen should not direct movies.
• Grasshoppers have the capability to overtake Chicago.
• Men should not have bikini areas.
• Jean Paul-Sartre had a motorcycle gang.
• Ichthyologists are allowed to declare martial law whenever they feel like it.
• How to make a movie without a plot.
• People are naturally compelled to walk through the Gates of Hell.
• Failures are celebrated in Finland.
• Alan Alda is the Antichrist.
• The Pope is a grandmother.
• Kids love to mutilate bodies.
• The most terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics is, "Oops!"
• It is acceptable to poison your father in order to go on a date.
• Terrorists were more fun in the past.
• Ancient Persia was very Russian.
• Random bombing always does the trick.
• The world has been saved numerous times by Japanese children.
• Six bullets will not kill you, only leave you stunned.
• A family is a team. A losing team, but a team nonetheless.
• The good die young. Most of us, however, are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.
• NASA used to be family owned and operated.
• It's possible for men to be impregnated by alien shrimp.
• The first stage of grief is pure unbridled joy.
• Shooting your waiter will not get you served faster at a restaurant.
• Benjamin Franklin was arrested and tried on charges of stalking.
• No matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.
• Clinical depression did not exists until "The Beast of Yucca Flats" was released in theaters.
• Never disguise a planet as a Chicken McNugget.
• You are not allowed to flashback to stuff that happened ten seconds ago.
• There is such thing as the Randy Johnson model cyborg.
• The existence of door-to-door executioners.
• Narnia is filled with landmines.
• Watching people's mental illness is fun!
• Beware of groin fires.
• Elves once colonized America.
• In the future, we'll all drive around in giant loaves of bread.
• The ocean is the source of all life and of all movie credits.
• Before becoming a fallen angel, Satan was a jock.
• In space, no one can hear you art direct.
• They're not comic books, they're graphic novels.
• The Hitler Building used to be a popular spot in Tokyo before the Neptune Men destroyed it.
• Cats taste like potatoes.
• Some filmmakers just don't care.
• Rocket-propelled grappling hooks should be standard picnic items.
• I should really just relax.